


rain came pouring down when i was drowning (that's when i could finally breathe)

by bloodaccusedstones



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-23
Updated: 2015-01-23
Packaged: 2018-03-08 16:50:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3216401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodaccusedstones/pseuds/bloodaccusedstones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You love these two girls, more than you’ve ever loved anything before. One is sunshine, sweet flowers and warm blankets, while the other is smooth sapphire, forest smells and constellations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	rain came pouring down when i was drowning (that's when i could finally breathe)

**Author's Note:**

> As requested on Tumblr, a part two of "wild oceans shake what's left of me loose (thread by thread i come apart)". 
> 
> Trigger warnings for talks about depression, mental illness and eating disorders. Also referencing suicide.

///

Your hands are under her shirt and your teeth are on her neck. She moans and grips at the back of your shirt, pulling you closer to her. You groan against her flesh when she slips her hands under your shirt and drags her nails against your back. You grip her side, trying to stabilize yourself and you pull your mouth away from her sweet skin to kiss her. You see stars and you know that you find your home in Laura. 

But alas, all good things must come to an end. By cellphone ring. Of course. 

She tries to pull away from you to see who’s calling her but she tastes so good and she feels like warm summer days, so you kiss her face in an attempt to stop her from stopping you from devouring her. 

“Carmilla,” she says breathily as she tries to get away from your red lips and clinging hands, “Just let me see if it’s anyone important.” You sigh and let go of her. As she scampers over to the desk in search of her phone, you perch on the edge of her mattress, a smirk splayed across your face. You feel a little proud when she answers the phone in heaving breaths. 

When you see her eyes start to water and she says, “What?”, brokenly, the smirk falls off your face. You lean forward, eyebrows scrunched together and Laura’s crying now; her little body is shaking with internal sobs. “She what? No...no not...wh-how? Where? Where is she at? No, no, I want to see her. What? No, where can I see her? Okay, okay.” She hangs up and crumples to the floor, eyes glassy and you collapse on your knees next to her, hand hovering over her back.

“Laura, Laura, what happened?” She turns her head towards you and you’ve never seen her this upset before, you don’t know what’s going on and it’s scaring you. “Laura, baby, what’s going on?” 

“Dan-Danny,” she chokes out. Tears are streaming down her face and she’s shaking so hard, you’re worried she might break a rib. 

“What about Danny?” She opens her mouth and a strangled sob escapes her throat. 

“She’s at the hospital, Carmilla.” 

“Why is she at the hospital?” 

Laura looks at you and her face twists in agony (your face twisted in that same expression when you saw the bodies of your murdered siblings, you’re sure of it) and her sobs echo off the walls and in your skull and somehow, you know.

You know what Danny has done.

And you should’ve saw it coming.

///

You drive. 

You know Laura is uncomfortable with cars (she told you a bit about her mother) and she’s a wreck right now, so she couldn’t even drive even if she wanted to. 

She’s in the passenger seat, slumped over and eyes red but she’s no longer crying. She’s just sitting there, staring at nothing and you think she’s in shock. 

///

You know she still cares about Danny. 

She told you a while ago that she still does.

You don’t know how to feel about that.

///

You walk into the hospital room behind Laura and you feel sick.

///

Danny seems small which is a feat because she’s so tall and fills up so much space. You think it was really just her height though because when you see her like this, laying down in a hospital bed with skin so white and sickly it matches the white sheets and her height is not a factor, she suddenly seems a lot smaller than you remember. 

She’s sickly looking and the bags under her eyes are so bad they give yours a run for their money. She’s so skinny; her collarbones are sharp and her thin skin is stretched across her cheekbones. Her throat is what makes you pause. 

There’s purple, braid shaped bruises covering her throat and god, you should’ve seen this coming. 

Laura lets out a cry and Perry (where the fuck did she come from?) gives her a bear hug. Laura grips at Perry’s shoulders and LaF wraps their arms around the both of them. You can’t take your eyes off the small form of Danny; she was bad when you last saw her at the park bench but you didn’t think it was this bad. 

You’re pulled out of your thoughts when you feel someone pull at your arm. It’s Laura and her hand is gripping your elbow and her face is in yours and she looks like she's in so much pain. You cup her cheek and pull at her hand, bringing her to Danny’s bedside. You make her sit in the chair closest to Danny and let Perry and LaF take the other two seats.

You stand beside them and see Elsie sitting on the other side of the bed. She hasn’t said a word since you got here and for a second, you think she doesn’t even know you’re here. That thought is forgotten when she turns her head and looks at you and her eyes are filled with such pain, you know she’s the one who found Danny. Only those who have seen such tragedies have eyes like Elsie’s. 

You end up staring at your black boots because looking anywhere else hurts. 

///

Danny coughs and you hear Laura start crying a little harder. You lift your head slowly and Danny has her eyes cracked open slightly, and her blue eyes are reddish around the edges and that really scares you.

“Danny,” Laura gasps between her sobs, “Danny, I-I’m sorry.” Laura grasps at Danny’s hand and squeezes. Danny looks at you and you lock eyes; she looks so sad and you’re disappointed in yourself; you should’ve seen this coming. Danny looks away from you and turns her head toward the other side of the room, not even seeing Elsie. You stare at her cheek until she falls back asleep. 

You look back at your feet. 

///

You don’t visit her in the hospital. Laura goes, though. She used to go everyday but you convinced her that Danny needs some time to...process everything. 

Laura tried to get you to go once and you barely managed to get out of it. 

You don’t know what you would say to Danny, anyway. 

///

Laura keeps you updated on Danny’s progress. You know that she was released a day ago and has been assigned to therapy. Which is good, Danny needs that. 

You’re not really looking forward to her being in the hospital again. 

///

“Carmilla?” You jump at her voice and your book tumbles out of your hand and clatters against the floor. You sigh when you realize you lost your place in the book. “Carm.” 

“What, Cupcake?” 

“Could I do anything to make you hate me?” You stiffen and scrunch your eyebrows together. Slowly, you turn towards her. She’s standing next to the wardrobe, chewing her lip and looking really worried. 

“No…” She nods but doesn’t move. “Laura, what’s going on?”

“I still care about Danny.”

“You told me this before and I said I was fin-”

“No, I mean I still have feelings for her.”  Well, alright then . You grit your teeth together and she starts playing wither her hands. 

“Laura, Danny almost died so it’s understandable why you think you still have feelings for her. When someone you cared about almost dies, usually your feelings increase because you almost lost them but-”

“No, Carm, I never stopped caring for her, the feelings never really went away. I just never told you.” 

“Oh,” you say and Laura looks so scared and that makes you feel like shit. Laura thinks you’re upset about this and you’re not, not really, and so you pat the edge of the mattress next to you. She slowly walks over and plops down next to you. You take her hand in yours and watch as you play with her fingers. “I understand what it’s like to love someone while still caring about someone else.”

“Ell?” You nod. “You’re not angry.” You shake your head. “I don’t love you any less.”

“I know,” you whisper. 

“I was wondering, could help her out a bit? I mean, you’ve been where she is and you could help her,” you look at Laura and her hopeful eyes. “I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. You just know more about this than I do. And I know she’s going to therapy and all but I still worry about her.”

“I know you do, Cupcake.” 

“I worry about you still.” You lift your eyes away from your jointed hands and look at her. Her eyes are slightly pink and you know she’s been a wreck about the whole Danny situation. You kiss her and she melts into you, cupping your cheek with her hand and leans into you. You pull back back and drop your forehead to hers.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thank you.”

“Anything to make you happy again.” 

///

“So, like, does this mean you’re open to a polyamorous relationship?”

“One step at a time, Sweet Cheeks.”

///

It takes you a few days until you get a chance to talk to Danny. When you see her the first time after the hospital visit, you feel your chin drop. 

She looks healthier, not healthy like she should be, but her skin is a little less ashy and it looks like she’s been sleeping more. Her back is a little less slumped over and she looks a little less skinny. 

It’s in the evening and she’s heading back from class (you guess) and you walk up to her and start falling in step beside her. Her grip on her Starbucks coffee cup tightens but she doesn’t say anything to you. You swallow and decide to just fuck it. 

“Danny, I think we should talk.” 

“Really, Morticia? About what?”

“You know what.” She sighs and stops walking. You turn and face her. 

“I don’t really want to talk about it.” You want to talk to her because Laura asked you to and you’re really considering asking her anyway, but her eyes seem so tired and you know from personal experience that people pushing you to talk about something is a very bad idea. 

The image of her laying in that alabaster white hospital bed with a bruised neck and small body is burned in your mind and you catch yourself looking at her neck. You nod your head.

“Okay, we don’t have to but Laura asked me to talk to you.”

“Oh, so you’re just doing this for Laura?” You try not to think about the way her voice cracks around Laura’s name. 

“No, she’s worried still, even though you’re getting help.” You stuff your hands into the pockets of your leather jacket. “I’m worried.”

She looks at you with squinted eyes and they’re so blue and there’s no sign of any red around the edges. She’s getting better, even if it’s just more sleep, it counts.

“I’ll call when I’m ready,” she tells you after some internal deliberation. You nod.

“I’ll be waiting.” She nods and takes a sip of her coffee, then starts to walk past you. Your hand reaches out and grabs her elbow, stopping her. She looks at you and you gaze up at her. You search her face for any indication that she won’t call you. You only find honesty and fatigue so you let go of her arm, pat her bicep and walk off. 

///

She calls you four days later.

///

You met up at the University’s cafe. You swing open the door and the bell chimes against the glass, but it’s drowned out by the clattering of plates and lazy ocean of ongoing conversations. You find her sitting at a table in the back, wearing green jeans, her letterman, glasses, and red hair tossed in a bun. You note that the circles under her eyes are getting worse again.

You sit down across from her and she drags her gaze from her steaming cup of coffee up towards your face.

“How bad?” 

“What?”

“Last night. How bad was it?” 

“Bad,” she mutters and looks down at her coffee swirling in her cup. You see her face twist with confusion and her eyes dart back up to yours. “How did you know last night was bad?” 

“I’ve been where you are many times, Xena. I know what it looks like the morning after a shitty night.” She clicks her tongue and takes a sip of coffee as you look out the window. “Do you want to talk about it?” Out of the corner of your eye you see her shake her head.

“I...no.”

“Okay,” you say as you look back at her. She looks confused.

“You aren’t going to just disregard that and ask anyway?”

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my centuries of..undead life, it’s that you don’t push someone to do something they don’t want to do. Especially if that person has a mental illness.”

“I don’t have an ‘illness’.”

“You have depression, Beanpole, that’s a mental illness. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Danny looks at you with sad sapphire eyes and ruby red hair and you really want to help her. “How’s therapy? Is it helping?”

“Yeah, a bit.” 

“Good, that’s good.”

“Look, Carmilla, I appreciate that you’re here because Laura wanted you to but you don’t have to act like you really want to be here.”

“But I do want to be here. I know what you’re going through and Laura...she wants to help and she’s still a mess over you and she’s smart. She sent me because I can help better than she can. You can’t really help someone with something if you’ve never experienced what they’re going through.” 

Danny stays quiet after you finish and you look back out the window, watching people walking, heading to class or other places. “Being depressed isn’t a shameful thing. Look at all those people. Who knows how many people out there are going through depression or self-harming or going through some other illness, like bipolar 1 or 2, or schizophrenia, or an eating disorder. Millions of people have mental illnesses. You’re not alone. Society makes people who have a mental illness feel like it’s not important or that they’re just being dramatic and is insensitive about the subject. People with mental illness are sick. You’re sick, Danielle, and it’s not your fault.” 

You feel her eyes burning holes in your spine. When you turn back and look at her, she’s staring at you with teary eyes. “If you ever have another bad night, you can always come over. I mean, Laura wouldn’t mind and it’s better than being alone.” 

“Yeah, okay.”

///

Laura is laughing in your ear and you’re grinning so hard, your cheeks are on fire. She’s pushing at your shoulders, trying to get you off of her. You tickle her sides harder, chuckling as she squirms in your grasp. She gets a sudden burst of strength and shoves you off her and off the bed. You hit the floor with a thud and Laura shoot into a sitting position, apologizes spilled from her loose lips. You laugh, get up and kiss her soundly to stop her lips from rambling anymore. She pulls you closer to her by your shoulders and you’re drowning in her, gasping for air that you don’t care for because you are drowning in Laura, and that is the sweetest death you could ask for. 

A knock at the door pulls you out of the abyss you were tumbling down into and you stand by the desk while Laura opens the door. Standing in the place of the wooden door is Danny. You take a step forward without thinking about it. 

Danny is hunched over into herself, arms wrapped around her waist, protecting herself from anything that can do her harm. She’s protecting herself from herself (you know from personal experience). 

“Danny!” Laura gasps and pulls at Danny’s arm softly, just enough for Danny to cross the threshold and for Laura to close the door. “What are you doing here?” 

“Well, Carmilla said to come over whenever so…” Danny trails off and Laura practically gives herself whiplash from swinging her head to look at you. She raises her eyebrows at you. 

“Sit down, Beanpole,” you tell her and she smiles softly while rolling her eyes. She sits down on Laura’s bed slowly, unsure of herself. You remind yourself why she’s here; you told her to stop by if it was a bad night. 

When you see her walking around campus, she look strong and tall and healthy. You sometimes forget that she has brittle bones and a civil war going on inside of her. You have never forgotten the white sheets and white walls and white skin and grey circles under her eyes and purple bruises around her neck and red hair. 

No. You don’t think you can ever forget that. It has been ingrained, stamped, tattooed in your skull, always flashing in your mind and it always makes you want to throw up. 

She is too young to be this sad, this destroyed, this small piece of concrete that tumbled down from the skyscraper she used to be. There is a burning city inside her chest and you know her mouth must taste like ash. 

You know this because you hung yourself once and survived and you tasted ash and burning embers in your mouth for months.

///

Laura sits down next to Danny and slowly, gently takes her hand in hers. Danny leans into Laura and you know that you should be jealous about that because they’re ex-lovers for Christ's sake, but you can’t find jealousy in your marrow. You find care; you care for both of them greatly. 

Ugh,  feelings. How gross. 

You sit on Danny’s other side, staring at your bed and you feel her calloused fingertips glide across your skin and rest on your wrist. You look down to see her fingers wrapped loosely around your wrist and you reach out with your hand and place it on her thigh. 

You don’t remember falling asleep.

///

You wake up to voices whispering softly. You stay still because Danny and Laura are talking and you haven’t heard them talk in a while. Eavesdropping is shitty, you know that, but you never really care about that. It takes a good twelve seconds before you realize that you’re laying on Laura’s bed, face pressed into Danny’s thigh (she’s sitting up) and her hand is running up and down your back. You know it’s Danny because she smells like morning dew and sycamore trees and clear air and her hands are much bigger than Laura’s.

“You’re trying to help and that means a lot.”

“But I can’t help like Carmilla can.”

“But you sent her to help. Just you trying helps.”

“I’m trying to understand.”

“I know you are.”

They stay quiet for a while and that makes you uneasy but you know where this conversation is heading and they need to talk, so you just lay there like the undead bump on a log you are.

“Was...did I cause this?” Laura whispers so quietly, even you have a hard time hearing what she said. 

“What? No!”

“But all this happened after I broke up with you…”

“No I...I’ve always been depressed. It probably would’ve happened anyway. You just kind of...sped it up. I’m sorry I put you through that.”

“Don’t apologize. I don’t really understand...why but, Carmilla helps me understand it.”

“Depression?”

“Yeah. And PTSD. Well, mental illness, really. Some days are rough for her and I know how to deal with it but she tells me it’s alright if I don’t understand.”

“She’s...very helpful. Especially with coming to terms with the fact that it’s not my fault I have a mental illness."

“I’m sorry, Danny.”

“No, don’t apologize, you can’t control it. Just you being here, being you, is helping a lot more than you think it is.” 

Silence, once again, settles upon the room like a blanket. You hear shuffling and someone moan and...what the fuck? Are they  kissing? With you right here? What the frilly hell?

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”  You think? 

“Carmilla-”

“I told her that I still have feelings for you.”

“You what?”

“She understands.”

“...She’s more understanding than I pegged her to be.”

“She’s not the type of person you think she is. She surprised me a little.”

“Maybe it’s because she’s centuries old?”

“Yeah, maybe.”

The whole time, Danny never stops rubbing your back.

///

It takes three days before you get the courage to talk to Laura about what happened. She had just gotten back from class, eyes drooping and feet dragging and you had just blurted out that you knew she kissed Danny that night. To say she was taken aback is an understatement. She nearly had a heart attack. 

She apologizes frantically while you sit on your bed, an open book held loosely in your grasp. While she rants, you can’t help but think of how you should be upset at Laura (she basically cheated on you) but you're not (you could never be mad at Laura).

You cut Laura off with soft words and gentle hands around her wrists, holding her flailing hands steady. She gazes at you with apology and fear in her eyes and you kiss her gently, reassuringly, and tuck a strand of her honey-colored hair behind her ear. She asks in a quiet voice if you’re angry, which you respond quickly with, “No, Sweetheart, I know I should be but I’m not.”

In all honesty, if this had happened months earlier, you would’ve hunted Danny down and gutted her where she stood. But Laura makes you soft, less clenched fist and more open hand. You want to help Danny, not hurt her. She’s been through much of what you have gone through and you don’t want her to crumble down into herself anymore than she already has. 

It’s strange, how you went from hating the ginger giant to caring for her and some days, all you want to do is see her smile again. Which is weird. You love Laura; your dead heart bursts with her name, whispering LauraLauraLaura with every miniscule thud against your ribcage, but after being with Danny for a while, you swear you hear your heart saying  LauraDannyLauraDannyLaura . That scared you for a while, hell, it still does, but when Laura grins at Danny, you feel something inside of you melt because it’s so painfully obvious to you that Laura cares about Danny.

You care about Danny, too. 

So when Laura asks if you wouldn’t mind her dating Danny while dating you (you brought up how dating Laura again would affect Danny’s mental health and that you should be in the clear with Danny before anything else), you shrug, kiss the tip of her nose, and say, “As long as I have you, I will not hold you back from doing what you want.” 

///

You slam the door behind you, water dripping off your nose and the tips of your hair (of fucking course you would be caught in the rain) and you almost flip your lid when you see Danny watching you from her position on Laura’s bed. 

“Jesus Christ, Big Red, you scared the shit out of me!” 

“Well, you scared the shit out of me when you broke down the door, so I guess we’re even.” You scowl and she resumes reading, so you trudge over to the wardrobe and fling open the doors. You grab a thin shirt and some sweats and turn back around towards her. 

“I’m going to take a shower.”

“Okay.”

As you walk into the bathroom, you try not to think about how empty her voice sounded. 

(She sounded so hollow. You really hope that she hasn’t burned down the city in her chest; even if it’s just one pillar standing in a pile of ash, there is hope. 

There is always hope. You learned that.)

///

You fling open the bathroom door and jump onto your bed, sighing when your back hits the mattress. Upon hearing a small laugh, you lift your head up and glare at Danny. She’s smiling behind the book she’s holding; it’s old, flimsy and it looks ancient and you know from your love of books, that this one has to be one of Danny’s favorites. She glances up at you and catches your eye, and you sit up slowly. 

“Where’s Laura?”

“Said she had to meet with Perry and LaF about something.” 

“Ah, so it’s just you and me.”

“Don’t get any ideas, Morticia.” 

“There’s the Danny I know,” you physically freeze after you say that and you see Danny look back down to her book with sad eyes. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Nah, it’s alright.” You watch her read. Her hands are gentle, slowly turning the pages by the tip, back hunched and eyes heavy. She looks like shit, honestly. 

“Bad night?” 

“Yeah.” You sit still, watching her with sad eyes and you slink over to her. “What are you doing?” She asks when you climb onto Laura’s bed.

“What does it look like?” You shove her over with your hand and lay down on your back, head on the yellow pillow, side brushing Danny’s leg. She huffs but never stops reading her book. 

You don’t remember dozing off.

///

A cold hand on your stomach is what wakes you up. You yawn and feel hair tickling your nose so you blow it off. Suddenly aware of the hands on you and the body pressed against your back, you slowly rotate in their arms until you’re face to face. Danny’s red hair is what greets you and you gently push the hair out of her face. Her freckles stand out on her face, covering her nose and kissing her cheeks. You smile and nudge her leg with yours. She groans and peeks at you.

“Hello,” you drawl.

“Shut up, I was cold.” 

“Whatever you say, Beanpole.” She smiles and you lean up and kiss her forehead softly. She blinks at you and you find her hand under the blankets, squeezing it lightly. “Go to sleep, Danny,” you whisper. 

You watch her the entire night.

///

Danny visiting your dorm becomes a common thing. You learned how to tell the good from the bad early on; she used to only slept crushed between Laura and yourself on bad nights but she’s sleeping over more, so you found other ways to notice. You learn that bad days look like tired eyes and heavy hands, reading books and little communication. You learn that she’s having less and less bad days.  

They’re still there, of course, the demons and sleepless nights and bad thoughts. Some days she doesn’t even want to get out of bed. Laura always manages to pull her body from the sheets. 

Laura is helping more than she thinks. She always says how she can’t help Danny, not like you can, but she doesn’t understand that just getting someone out of bed, making them eat, or just holding their hand is help. She amazes you and how someone so small can hold so much love in her heart, enough to love two broken girls who taste like shattered glass and salt water, and still have so much left over. You don’t know how she does it. 

///

You’re sitting on your bed, back pressed against Danny’s front and Laura’s back is resting on your chest. Danny’s chest is rising rhythmically, pushing you up with every intake of breath. You run your hair through Laura’s hair, playing with the tips and she huffs at you. 

“Carmilla, I am trying to read this piece for class.” 

“But Creampuff…”

“Carm, no whining.”

“But-”

“Please, don’t wake up Danny. You know she didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Fine,” you sigh and continue playing with Laura’s hair. After a while, you become bored and you almost snort because the idea that pops in your head is so stupid, but you feel so young and eighteen today, so you decide to do it anyway. “Laura, I mustache you a question.” 

“What?”  You take a strand of her hair and place it over her top lip. 

“Get it? Mustache you? Laugh, Laura, it’s funny.” You wiggle her hair over her lips and she ends up laughing loudly, which causes Danny to shift and groan under you. Laura gets of your chest, swings around to face you, and when you see her smile and mischievous eyes, you know shit’s about to go down. She whispers in your ear, you nod, face Danny and sit next to Laura. “Groot! Wake up!”

“What?” Danny whines. Laura laughs evilly and hurls herself at Danny, tickling her sides roughly. Danny’s ice blue eyes shoot open and for a second, she looks afraid, but then looks amused and starts laughing, swatting at Laura’s little hands that are attached to her side. You see Danny trying to get off the bed, so you jump on top of her, draping your body across hers, and join Laura in attacking Danny.

Danielle is screeching with laughter, which is bouncing off the walls and you hear Laura laughing, too. You’re grinning like a lovesick teenager, cheeks hurting and a laugh bubbling in your throat. 

You love these two girls, more than you’ve ever loved anything before. One is sunshine, sweet flowers and warm blankets, while the other is smooth sapphire, forest smells and constellations.

It occurs to you that this is the first time you’ve heard Danny laugh. You’ve never heard it before and to be the cause of her laughter is one thing you will never forget. 

You’re happy here with these two girls. They are the sun and stars, the blue ocean and pink sunrise, happy smiles and sweet laughter, and home.

You make your home inside their teeth, sleep on their ladder-rung ribs, and wish upon the stars in their eyes. 

Yeah, this is home for you.


End file.
